


Sinking back to the past

by SinGala



Category: Harley Quinn (Cartoon 2019)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cute Girlfriends, F/F, F/M, Harley did a big mistake... a really big one, Ivy loses her powers, Ivy needs a hug, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:02:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28199574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SinGala/pseuds/SinGala
Summary: Poison Ivy couldn't get hurt. She had made sure of it. Poison Ivy was strong, Poison Ivy was her... But Poison Ivy was no more. He had taken it away from her, he had broken her anew.Now... Now she was only Pamela Isley. She didn't want to be Pamela Isley again! She didn't want to be this weak, she didn't want to feel this hurt again. She didn't want to go through all of that again... even she didn't deserve that.orHarley makes a mistake that costs Ivy to relive one of her most painful memories... and to lose her powers.
Relationships: Pamela Isley/Harleen Quinzel, Pamela Isley/Jason Woodrue
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone!  
> So, here is my first fic about Harlivy. It's gonna be pretty dark at some points I think, especially at the beginning, but I'll try to write a lot of cute and fluff scenes too in the next chapters. I'm not going to lie, I don't really know how regularly I'm gonna update this fic. I'm currently writing as much as I can in one night to have some in advance and not make you wait too long. What I'm pretty sure of however is that it won't be a really big fic, like maybe 5/8 chapters max, probably less. 
> 
> I also wanted to precise that I wasn't a native English speaker, and I know I'm still making a lot of mistakes when I'm writing. In this idea, if you see some really important ones, please inform me so that I can correct them. Furthermore, if someone wants to become the beta for this fic, well just send me a message and I'll happily accept your help. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!

Everything was hurting. 

Her body, her mind, her thoughts, even her heart...

_Especially her heart._

It happened again. It happened again, and once more she got hurt. She had sworn to herself years ago that she wouldn’t ever feel this weak again, that she wouldn’t ever be this hurt again. She was _Poison fucking Ivy_! She couldn’t get hurt. She could bleed, she could scream and cry. But she couldn’t get hurt; she wouldn’t let herself get hurt.

 _Never again_.

And especially never because of them again. Not him, not her.

 _Never_. 

She had been so sure of herself, so sure of being able to go through all this. So sure of being able to finally free herself from them both. But she was wrong. Poison Ivy had been wrong, and now? Now she was paying for her fucking mistake. Well… Not _her_ mistake entirely. After all, she only did it because Harley did a fucking mess for starter and she was the only one willing to clean it up… Again. 

Why did she had to fall in love with her? Why did her heart decide to do that to her? Her entire mind always knew that Harley was trouble; she always had been since she had met the clown. And to be honest, Ivy tried to let her out of her life… She really tried… Or so she wanted to believe. Because honestly, the truth was that she had let her in her heart without a second thought. Sure, they had been times where she had been so angry with her that she managed to keep her far from her heart for a few moments. But as much as she tried, she couldn’t lie to herself… Harley had been wrapped around her heart, around her mind, and even around her body since the first time she saw her. She fell hard for the girl, and now she was realizing her mistake.

A mistake that was going to cost her life. 

A mistake made for someone who didn’t even care about her. 

A mistake made for Harley… Again...

And now here she was, lying on the floor, her babies laid across the floor around her, lifeless. She tried to feel them, tried to reach for them. But her body wasn’t responding anymore. Even her mind was slowly starting to feel numb. She wanted to scream, to kill him. She wanted to make him suffer, she wanted to make them all suffer like she was suffering. She wanted to get up and punch him, again and again, until nothing was left of his putrid inhuman body. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t and it was hurting her even more. She couldn’t do anything anymore, she was defenceless, she was weak… She was Pamela Isley all over again. And God did it hurt! In a way, you could say that _this_ was what broke her. She wasn’t Poison Ivy anymore. No, she was only the pathetic, weak human that she had been before everything. It was like nothing happened. Like she was back there, back when it all started, back when she still trusted him. But it wasn’t, she knew it, and in a way, it just made it all the more painful for her mind. She had grown to love her Poison Ivy persona; she had created a life for herself: a good life. Well, as good a life a villain can get in Gotham, but still. She was happy with her life. 

That’s when it hit her… 

She _was_. She truly was...

She was happy, but all of that was over, and it wasn’t even his fault. It was hers, only hers. He just landed the final blow to her sanity, to her life.

Suddenly, she heard a crash over her head. It seemed far away and close at the same time. She heard someone call her name again and again. She wanted to make a sound, tell whoever was looking for her that she was here, that she needed help. But at the same time, she didn’t want that. She didn’t want anyone to see her like this, she wasn’t even sure she wanted to be found and saved. 

Those thoughts terrified her in a way, but they also were strangely reassuring and calming. 

Maybe it was the end for her. 

Maybe she needed to die as Pamela Isley, not as Poison Ivy. 

Maybe it was some sick twist of fate. 

Maybe she could finally rest with her babies...

She was starting to drift over the edge of her consciousness when the voice became more and more present around her. The voice had found her.

« It’s over Red. It’s over… I’m here… »

Those were the last words she heard on this day. Her head was starting to throb harder and harder, her breath was becoming heavier. She had troubles breathing, she had trouble seeing, and she had trouble hearing.

 _Trouble_ … That’s what all of this was. That was the only thing she was sure of in this instant.

She knew the voice hadn’t stopped talking to her, she was still hearing some muffled sounds. A panicked, yet reassuring voice. A voice she knew, a voice she loved… but a voice she didn’t want to hear right now. A voice she didn’t want to hear ever again. _Her_ voice.

She wanted to get away from the trembling arms that were holding her. She could feel them on her hurt and naked skin, and she hated it. She didn’t deserve to hold her like that, not after everything that had happened. Or maybe she was the one who didn’t deserve to be held like that. Her mind was becoming fuzzier and fuzzier and she slowly realized that her thoughts started being less and less clear. She was, almost tenderly, sinking into unconsciousness, and if she was honest with herself, she almost felt relieved.

She didn’t want to wake up.

Not again.

Not anew. 

… Not like that.


	2. Chapter 2

The first thing that she took conscience off was her head. It was heavy. It was numb. But more importantly, it was quiet. Between the fog, the hurt and the blackness of her mind, she knew that this information was crucial. It took her a few seconds to really realize what this meant, to realize why it seemed so important right now. 

Her mind was _never_ quiet! 

When she took conscience of that, well… She stilled. And then started to panic. She felt her heartbeat rise, her organs pounding into her body and icy shards of glass running through her veins. And slowly, too slowly at her taste, she started to remember everything…

She was angry. No, she was furious, she was out of her mind with anger… with worry. Like always Harley had done something stupid, and like always Ivy was here to save her, heal her, protect her… _Love her_. 

She was used to Harley doing something stupid and going on dangerous heists, she was even still used to Harley putting both their lives in danger with her words. Hell! She was even still used, in some kind of twisted way, to Harley leaving her for the Joker. And yeah, it was true, it had now been two years since she had last been with him, and a lot of things had changed since then… But still. A part of her mind was in a way always prepared to see her girlfriend leaving her again for the animalistic clown. 

And it scared her.

It scared her to the point where, when Harley left her a note saying that she wasn’t sure she would come back, she was almost eighty per cent certain her girlfriend had gone back to him. If only she had known it was so much worse… She would have come more prepared, she would even have asked for Selina’s help. Hell! She would have maybe, (okay that was a stretch), asked the Rodent for his help. If only she had known, she wouldn’t be in this situation. None of this would have happened. She would still be her. 

God, what she would have given for all of this to be Harley going back to Joker and not Harley wanting to kill _him_. She couldn’t even think of his name again...She had spent so many years of her life trying to forget him, trying to not let what he had done to her affect her. 

And she had finally managed it! 

She fucking managed to not let him in her head anymore. To not let him control her life. And here she was now… Reliving everything once again, and not being able to pronounce, to even think, of his name. 

Her anger and panic rose even more at this thought. Images of what had happened, the first, and now the second time too, were twirling in front of her closed eyes. Desperately, she tried to open them, but to no success… She was a prisoner of her mind, at least for now. 

Trying to not let her panic completely take her back to him, she focused on what she could feel. What her body was now feeling, not what her mind was thinking about. She didn’t want to think anymore. She quickly decided to scan her body, searching for hurting places, contacts, any hints of where she could be, of her physical state. Surprisingly, she wasn’t in much pain, sure, her body was heavy as fuck, and she _knew_ she had some broken bones and bruises, but she wasn’t feeling them. It surprised her, was she in a hospital? Her, Poison Ivy, in a hospital? She would have laughed if the little voice in her head hadn’t entered her conversation with herself. 

« Poison Ivy? No. Poison Ivy would never have been brought to a hospital. Except for Arkham. But _Pamela Isley_ … Pamela Isley could well have been sent to a hospital. Pamela Isley is _nothing_ , Pamela Isley is _no-one_. »

Her heart ached at this thought, so once again, she focused on something else. She couldn’t control her thoughts, but she could control what she was focusing on. Since the quick scan of her body didn’t give her a lot of information, she decided to do a more thorough inspection of it, one limb at a time. 

She started with her feet, going slowly back up. She could feel that something was on them, a cover maybe? At least she wasn’t cold, that was a start. When she came back up her legs some memories tried to make her lose her focus again. She wasn’t surprised about this, she felt more annoyed by this than anything else. She knew that she would have to face this again like she had to years ago, but right now she also knew she wasn’t capable of it. She prefered to classify those memories, those things the feelings on her legs were telling her, as annoying more than traumatic. She just didn’t want to think about it. She wanted to move on, and more importantly, she, right now, wanted to understand where she was, and how she was. 

She then tried to see if she could feel something on her hands. She didn’t have a lot of hope, but on this point, she should have had. Her left hand was feeling something strange. Something she didn’t felt anywhere else on her body. 

Her mind was racing, what could it be? 

The answer came to her almost immediately. While focusing on her hand she must have moved, even only from an inch, but this was enough for a voice, _her_ voice to resonate in her ears. The feeling on her hand intensifies, and her groggy mind interpreted it as someone squeezing it. 

She wasn’t alone.

She almost started panicking again, not that she ever truly stopped, but the voice was still here. As much as she wanted to be far from that voice, as much as she wanted to make her understand all the pain and suffering she put her through, she also knew that right now, she needed this voice. 

_She needed Harley’s presence._

After everything that happened, even if she blamed her for it, well part of it, she still loved her… And right now? Right now she needed someone she loved to be close to her.

Right now she needed Harley more than anything else in the entire world.


End file.
